Yesterday we went to see the cardiologist. It was informative, it was honest, and it was hard. It was the realization that no matter how good Terry looks right now; his problem is real and needs to be dealt with. He has two choices, blood thinners for the rest of his life or surgery. He chose surgery, I am scared, I know he is too the risks are small but they are there. The good news is we know what caused his TIA and we now know how to fix the problem. He will be having surgery April 16th.
It is funny what life does to you. Just last week Tuesday I had a melt down over the stress of bills and the water heater and dryer going out within 24 hours of each other. None of that seems important now. It is funny how sometimes it takes a situation like this for you to see what is really important. I would give anything to have my water heater/dryer situation be the biggest problem this week, funny, last week I thought it was the worst thing ever and it nearly pushed me over the edge. God has a funny sense of humor, I think he was saying “that is nothing let’s smack you with some reality”. At the same time God has everything in control and he is using this to teach Terry and me something, we just have to be open to hearing what he has to say and then accepting it.
I am saddened to some degree about the behavior of some family members. This is not about you, it is about Terry, my husband, and it is about my kids and what they are going through. It is about me trying to keep life normal for my kids so that they don’t freak out. I know Terry’s health issues may be rocking your world but it is really rocking theirs. Inappropriate conversations, and catty mean comments, no matter how insignificant to you are wrong, grow up. If you can’t say nice things then keep your toxic attitudes at home. That being said, there are several of you who have been supportive way beyond words and I cannot thank you enough.
For the most part I am fine, as long as I keep myself busy I am fine it is in the times of solitude where I am alone with myself where I become my own worst enemy. The times when I can no longer battle the what ifs that are thrown my direction, those are the times when weakness gets the best of me; those are the times I break down and cry. I don’t let myself have these moments in front of my kids; they look to me for comfort and support. My moments are in the dark of the night long after everyone has gone to bed. I know that I am never alone - God is always with me and he will never let me down but I am also human and even when I know he is there crying with me holding me and my husband and family in his arms and that should be enough, I want it to be enough ...............It will be enough.
I know people are faced with burdens and struggles every day. Mine compared to some are but a drop in the bucket, they really and truly are and I am grateful for that. I just need to vent, so I have.
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